


In Which John and Karkat are Pranked

by WingSongHalo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Boyfriends, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Whatever you want to call it, pesterfic, pesterlog fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-28 05:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingSongHalo/pseuds/WingSongHalo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A movie night with John and Karkat launches a whole week's worth of awkward new problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which John and Karkat are Pranked

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of the most original title ever, I know. And that summary, my goodness. Who WOULDN'T want to read this masterpiece?
> 
> I actually started writing this thing back in March of last year. It sat around in Notepad until like a month ago, when I randomly started working on it again. So I guess you could say it's technically my first Homestuck fanfiction as well as my latest one? Also, geez, I just joined AO3 like a week ago and now I'm attempting to format a Pesterfic and gosh it's really irritating, but eventually I got it to look how I wanted it to. It also makes it look like this fic is REALLY LONG but it actually isn't THAT long?? Maybe I should have split this into two parts...
> 
> Also I know John seems to have an out-of-character bit at the beginning. It's intentional. Please keep reading. /probably is the only person who cares
> 
> Whatever it's not important ;alksjfk
> 
> Thanks for reading!

\--MONDAY--

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:45 --

EB: hi karkat!  
CG: WHAT THE BLISTERING FUCK DO YOU WANT, EGBERT.  
EB: haha, geez! no need to get angry yet!  
CG: FINE THEN, LET ME REPHRASE.  
CG: WHAT THE REGULAR FUCK DO YOU WANT, EGBERT.  
EB: i dunno, i guess i just wanted to check in with my buddy!  
CG: WE ARE NOT "BUDDIES." WE ARE NOT ANYTHING. WE ARE TWO UNFORTUNATE BEINGS WHO THROUGH EVEN MORE UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE BEEN FORCED TO INTERACT.  
EB: whatever you say, karkat.  
EB: anyway, i have been thinking lately  
CG: WELL COLOR ME FUCKING SURPRISED, WHICH IS PROBABLY AN UNSIGHTLY COLOR REMINISCENT OF THE RECTAL DISCHARGE OF AN AILING MILKBEAST.  
EB: you are really gross sometimes, you know that?  
EB: and unfair! you can't call me stupid when i haven't said anything yet.  
CG: IF YOU'LL USE YOUR STUNNING HUMAN POWERS OF OBSERVATION, YOU'LL SEE I DIDN'T CALL YOU STUPID. I FIND STATING THE OBVIOUS TO BE A WASTE OF TIME.  
EB: whatever. i was going to ask if you wanted to watch a movie with me, but i'm starting to regret it. talk to you later, i guess!  
CG: ...WAIT  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: I'M SORRY. I GUESS THE STRESS OF EVERYTHING'S BEEN GETTING TO ME AND LIKE THE FUCKWIT I AM I TOOK IT OUT ON YOU. YOUR OBNOXIOUS, UN-CAPITALIZED DRIVEL JUST SET ME OFF.  
EB: that's okay, karkat. i know you don't mean most of the mean things you say.   
CG: ANYWAY, YES.  
EB: huh?  
CG: YES, I GUESS I'LL SIT THROUGH A STUPID HUMAN MOVIE WITH YOU, YOU EGREGIOUS WASTE OF SPACE. THOUGH IF YOU TRY TO MAKE ME SIT THROUGH ONE WITH HUMAN NIC CAGE, I WILL RIP OUT MY OWN WIND TUBE AND USE IT TO HANG MYSELF.  
EB: haha, eww! i guess that means con air is out! that’s okay, I don’t like it as much as i used to anyway. don't worry though, i'll think of something.  
EB: i'll talk to you later!  
CG: IF YOU MUST.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:55 --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:57 --

EB: hey karkat you still on  
CG: YES, THOUGH IF YOU STILL ARE I REALLY WISH I WEREN'T. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME NOW.  
EB: oh nothing really  
EB: just about movie night  
EB: youd like a romance right  
CG: WELL... THAT IS MY PREFERRED GENRE, BUT SINCE YOUR IDIOTIC HUMAN ROMANCES ARE SO SIMPLE THAT EVEN A NEWLY HATCHED GRUB WOULD DROWN ITSELF IN RECUPERACOON SLIME FROM BOREDOM, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH WHATEVER GARBAGE YOU SELECT.  
EB: who says i was talking about the movie  
CG: ...WHAT  
EB: i mean come on weve been dancing around this a while  
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, EGBERT, BUT IT IS FAILING TO AMUSE ME. IT IS FAILING SO HARD THAT SOMEWHERE IN AN ALTERNATE OPPOSITE UNIVERSE SOMEONE IS WRITING AN EPIC POEM ABOUT HOW MUCH IT IS WINNING.   
EB: you make a lot of noise like that  
EB: but i think its to hide the fact that you like me  
EB: you wanna be matespirits or whatever it is  
CG: I  
CG: WHAT  
CG: YOU  
CG: HOW DARE YOU! YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT?   
EB: uhh sometimes  
CG: WELL YOU DON'T, YOU UNBEARABLE NOOKSTAIN, AND DON'T EVER IMPLY IT AGAIN. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:03 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:03 --

CG: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD  
GA: Karkat Merely Repeating The Same Expletive Will Not Help Me To Understand Your Situation  
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M SORRY. HOOOO.  
CG: IT'S JUST.  
CG: THERE'S BEEN A REALLY HUGE MISHAP, OKAY?  
GA: Well Explain It To Me And I Will Attempt To Assist You In Extricating Yourself From Said Mishap  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: SO EGDERP STARTED BOTHERING ME ALL OF A SUDDEN WHILE I WAS CONDUCTING VERY IMPORTANT LEADER-TYPE BUSINESS.  
CG: AND HE WANTS TO HAVE SOME MORONIC BONDING EXPERIENCE OR WHATEVER BY HAVING A MOVIE NIGHT.  
GA: Hmmmm  
CG: WHAT'S "HMMMM"?  
GA: Well It Sounds To Me Like John Is Asking You To Participate In A Human Date  
CG: WHAT.  
GA: Rose Has Been Enlightening Me On The Ways Of Human Courtship  
GA: A Date Is Often The First Step Towards Being In A Relationship Which Is Akin To Our Idea Of Matespritship  
GA: I Think Congratulations Are In Order Are They Not  
CG: I  
CG: WHAT  
CG: YOU  
CG: NO, CONGRATULATIONS ARE NOT FUCKING IN ORDER! AND THIS IS NOT A GOGDAMNED DATE! AND BESIDES THAT, I WASN'T FUCKING FINISHED WITH MY STORY!  
GA: My Apologies Karkat Please Continue Your Narrative  
CG: THANK YOU. ANYWAY, WHEN I FINALLY SAY "FINE, SURE" SO HE DOESN'T DO SOME FUCKING STUPID HUMAN THING LIKE CRYING ABOUT IT, HE LEAVES ME ALONE  
CG: BUT NOT FOR FUCKING LONG! TWO SECONDS LATER, HE'S PESTERING ME AGAIN!  
CG: AND THIS IS WHERE THE SHIT GETS BIZARRE AND EVEN MORE MALODOROUS THAN USUAL SHIT.  
CG: HE JUST.  
CG: HE  
CG: FUCK IT, I'LL SEND YOU A FILE.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] file “THISISSTUPID.txt” --  
GA: Hmmmm  
CG: WILL YOU STOP SAYING FUCKING "HMMMM"!  
GA: Well Redrom Solicitation Does Not Get Much Clearer Than That Karkat  
CG: I FUCKING KNOW THAT.  
GA: I Am Confused About Why You Are Making Out To Be Such A Huge Disaster  
GA: Whoops  
GA: Making This Out To Be  
GA: My Mistake  
CG: BECAUSE IT IS A HUGE DISASTER, YOU FLAILING FUCKWIT OF A MOIRAIL.  
GA: But Karkat Isnt It True That You Do Want To Be Matesprits With John  
CG: I  
CG: YOU  
CG: I NEVER SAID  
CG: BUT  
CG: THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT!  
CG: HE'S CLEARLY FUCKING WITH ME!  
GA: I Would Not Necessarily Leap To That Conclusion  
GA: You Are Once Again Blinded By Your Pessimism  
CG: OH, REALLY?  
CG: YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THAT BUCKTOOTHED NIMROD *NOT ONLY* JUST SUDDENLY GOT OVER HIS "NOT A HOMOSEXUAL" BULLSHIT, BUT ALSO THAT HE SUDDENLY GAINED THE RIDICULOUS URGE TO MAKE ADVANCES TOWARDS ME, OF ALL PEOPLE?  
GA: Well  
GA: Quite Frankly  
GA: Yes  
CG: YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW, KANAYA. I DON'T THINK EVEN YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE INTENSE HEAT OF MY DISBELIEVING STARE.   
GA: Disbelief Or Not I Think You Should Give His Offer Some Thought  
CG: I  
CG: WHAT?!  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!  
GA: Why Would I Be  
GA: This Is Something You Have Been Wanting For A Very Long Time  
GA: And Now The Opportunity To Realize Your Desires Has Serendipitously Fallen Into Your Lap  
GA: And Yet You Are Inexplicably Distressed And Reluctant Instead Of Seizing Your Chance  
GA: This Could Work In Your Favor Karkat  
GA: You Have Been Quiet Awhile  
CG: I'M THINKING.  
CG: SO YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST SAY "SURE, LET'S FORGET HOW YOU SUPPOSEDLY AREN'T CAPABLE OF THOSE SORTS OF FEELINGS FOR ME AND FORGE AHEAD"?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Precisely  
CG: ...  
CG: HMMM.  
CG: I'LL CONSIDER IT. BUT THAT'S IT. FUCKING CONSIDER IT.   
GA: I Am Happy For You  
CG: GOOD FOR YOU.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:25 --

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:25 --  
CG: KANAYA?  
GA: Yes Karkat  
CG: ...THANKS.  
GA: Anytime

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:25--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 20:27 --

CG: HEY.  
CG: EGBERT.  
CG: I MEAN UH...  
CG: JOHN.  
EB: karkat!  
EB: what's up?  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT'S UP?" HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT AFTER WHAT YOU...NO. NEVER MIND. I DON'T WANT TO START A FIGHT.  
EB: haha, you usually do, but they are pretty much one-sided fights.  
CG: YES, HAHAHA, LET'S ALL HAVE A LAUGH AT MY PATHETIC AND FRUSTRATING ATTEMPTS TO INTERACT WITH YOU CONFOUNDING HUMANS.  
CG: ANYWAY, WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS.  
CG: I'M... SORRY.  
CG: FOR WHAT I SAID.  
CG: I MAY HAVE BEEN TOO HASTY TO REALLY CONSIDER WHAT YOU SAID.  
CG: AND...CAUGHT OFF GUARD.  
CG: FUCK, I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I'M HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.  
CG: I...I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN.  
CG: BUT REGARDLESS  
CG: YOU MAY BE ONTO SOMETHING.  
EB: what?  
CG: HEAR ME OUT WITHOUT INTERRUPTING, YOU ASSHOLE.  
EB: oh, sorry. continue.  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: I'M NOT SAYING IT WOULD WORK!  
CG: IT DEFINITELY WOULDN'T BE EASY.  
CG: I'M...NOT THE EASIEST PERSON TO BE AROUND.  
CG: FUCK, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. I'M A FOUL, LOUDMOUTHED SHITSTAIN ON THE SHORTS OF RESPECTABILITY.  
CG: I AM THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO CAN SIMULTANEOUSLY HAVE HIS HEAD UP HIS ASS WHILE ALSO HAVING HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH.  
CG: MY ATTEMPTS AT RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND ARE THE THREADS WHICH I WEAVE INTO A TRULY IMPRESSIVE TAPESTRY OF FAILURE.  
CG: AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY, I END UP MAKING EVERYONE MISERABLE, INCLUDING TROLL JEGUS WHO WEEPS AT HAVING EVER CREATED ME OR WHATEVER.  
CG: BUT IF YOU'RE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH THAT...  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A CHANCE...  
CG: WELL, I GUESS I WOULDN'T MIND THAT MUCH.  
CG: SO.  
CG: THERE.  
EB: karkat, uh...  
EB: what are you talking about?  
EB: i mean, i know you are usually down on yourself, but you didn't do anything to warrant this kind of self-hate!  
EB: it's not a big deal!  
EB: movie night will be great, you'll see!  
EB: and for the record, i think you are pretty great.  
EB: don't be so hard on yourself!  
CG: JOHN...  
CG: I DON'T GET YOU SOMETIMES.  
CG: HOW CAN YOU BE SO GUNG-HO AND CONFIDENT THAT EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT ALL THE TIME? DOESN'T THAT KIND OF OPTIMISM EXHAUST YOU?  
EB: um...  
EB: not really?  
CG: WELL, I CAN'T CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND YOU, JOHN. YOUR IRRITATING AND UNFATHOMABLE WAYS ARE ENOUGH TO DRIVE A LESS-PATIENT TROLL TO TEARFUL SUICIDE. FRANKLY, THE PROSPECT OF UNDERSTANDING YOU BAFFLES ME.  
CG: BUT...MAYBE I COULD TRY.  
EB: huh?   
CG: OKAY.  
CG: JEGUS FUCK, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M TERRIFIED OR HAPPY.   
EB: haha, relax, karkat! we will have fun, just the two of us! no pressure! maybe we will even watch serendipity. i should give it a second chance.  
CG: I  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  
CG: EXCEPT  
CG: THANK YOU, I GUESS.  
CG: FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME, AND ALL THAT.  
EB: you're awfully sentimental today.   
CG: AND YOU'RE AWFULLY DEVIL-MAY-CARE TODAY.  
EB: haha, "devil-may-care?" that is an old person saying!  
CG: FUCK YOU, EGBERT, NORMAL PEOPLE CAN SAY IT TOO.  
EB: there we go, that sounds more like the karkat i know.  
CG: YEAH WELL  
CG: WHAT CAN I SAY  
CG: YOU BRING OUT THE WORST IN ME.  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU FOR MOVIE NIGHT. IS TOMORROW OKAY? I HAVE SOME THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF TONIGHT.  
EB: sure, no problem!  
CG: OKAY, GREAT.  
CG: WELL THEN.  
CG: SEE YOU THEN, I GUESS.  
EB: what, not going to tell me to go fuck myself before you leave?  
CG: NO, BUT DON'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND, YOU BULGELICK.  
EB: i have a feeling these insults would feel way harsher if i knew what they meant.   
CG: FUCKING FORGET IT, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.  
CG: ANYWAY.  
CG: BYE, JOHN.  
EB: bye karkat!

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 20:40 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:41 --

CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK  
GA: Are You Going To Begin Every Conversation Like This Now  
CG: SORRY. IT'S JUST.  
CG: I WAS JUST TALKING TO JOHN.  
GA: Oh Really  
GA: How Did That Go  
CG: I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW!  
CG: I MOSTLY RAMBLED LIKE A FUCKING MORON ABOUT HOW IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO PURSUE ME, BUT HE KIND OF JUST BRUSHED THAT OFF  
CG: AND THEN HE SAID THIS WAS NO BIG DEAL  
CG: AND THAT HE THINKS I AM "PRETTY GREAT."  
CG: I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!  
GA: I Believe It Means Precisely What He Said  
GA: John Thinks You Are An Admirable Person  
GA: And As Your Moirail I Am Inclined To Agree  
CG: THAT'S REALLY FUCKING NICE AND I'M FEELING WARMER AND FUZZIER THAN AN OBESE PURRBEAST PASSED OUT ON A RUG.  
CG: BUT CAN WE DISCUSS THE FACT THAT I NOW HAVE TO GO TO MOVIE NIGHT WITH THIS IDIOT TOMORROW NIGHT AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO?!  
GA: He Said This Was No Big Deal  
CG: I FUCKING KNOW THAT, OKAY?!  
CG: IT'S JUST  
CG: WELL  
CG: WHAT IF IT'S A BIGGER DEAL TO ME THAN IT IS TO HIM?  
CG: ...KANAYA?  
GA: Im Sorry I Was Too Busy Smiling To Reply  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: ALSO, HELP ME.  
GA: Just Be Yourself Karkat  
GA: John Thinks You Are Great  
GA: So You Dont Have To Be Anything Other Than Karkat  
CG: BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME IF I DO THAT?  
CG: I'M JUST... ME.  
GA: That May Be Enough For John  
CG: WELL THEN HE'S EVEN MORE OF A FUCKASS THAN I THOUGHT HE WAS.  
CG: ...AND ALSO I GUESS I'M PRETTY LUCKY.

\--WEDNESDAY--

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 21:22 --

EB: karkat?  
EB: are you there?  
EB: i know you haven’t been talking to me since movie night, but  
EB: i really miss you.  
EB: and any time you feel ready, i’d uh… like to talk about what happened.  
EB: karkat?  
EB: i know you’re there!  
EB: please talk to me, dude.  
EB: who am i gonna watch this new movie with?  
EB: who’s gonna beat me at games?  
EB: please, karkat.  
EB: answer me.  
EB: sigh. well, it was worth a try.  
EB: later, karkat. i hope we can talk soon.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 21:55 --

\--THURSDAY--

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:37 --  
EB: dave?  
TG: hey dude  
TG: whats shakin  
EB: haha, no one has said that since the 80s or something.  
EB: anyway, i just wondered if you were free to maybe talk about something kinda personal?  
TG: you know im always here for my best bro  
TG: come sit on daddys knee and tell me about all your problems john  
TG: is anyone making you cry  
TG: anyone i need to beat up  
TG: go up to them and say an awesome pre asskicking one liner that will apply to whatever the situation is  
TG: and then open a can of grade a whoopass and wreck their shit  
TG: is that what you need john  
EB: uh.  
TG: is it a problem with vantas  
TG: nubby horned alien be making you cry  
TG: his irritated hate-flirtin makin you shy  
TG: he be jealous that i got his troll girl on my arm  
TG: and all the bitches that be flockin to my strider charm  
EB: oh no dave please don’t.  
TG: even if the nights are long and youre feelin lonely  
TG: gotta tell that guy you dont motherfuckin own me  
EB: oh stop it hurts dave.  
TG: yeah he thinks hes suave huh thinks hes real slick  
TG: but you dont want to be up on his alien dick  
EB: dave oh my god.  
TG: youre not playin his game youre not sayin his name  
TG: motherfucker thinks hes fly but truth is hes fuckin lame  
TG: and every time he comes around just to knock on your door  
TG: youll ignore ha  
TG: hes tryna tango with you but he dont know how to dance  
TG: thats what he gets when he forgets you dont want in his pants  
TG: now then  
TG: what did you want to talk to me about  
EB: you know what, this was a bad idea. 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:51 --

TG: all right then  
TG: but if anyone breaks your tender maiden heart john  
TG: you know who to call

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 19:04 --

EB: rose?  
TT: Hello, John. How was your movie night on Tuesday?   
EB: uh, that's kind of what i wanted to talk to you about!  
EB: you see, something really weird happened...  
TT: Oh? You certainly know how to get my attention. I am somewhat of an aficionado of all things weird.  
EB: yes, and you also are an aficionado of not making fun of people when something really embarrassing happens to them, right??  
EB: i mean, i couldn't talk to dave about this! he just started rapping!  
EB: and telling jade feels weird. she is my sister! well, kind of.  
TT: John, I am going to ask that you stop mercilessly beating around that unfortunate bush.  
EB: right, sorry.  
EB: uh...  
EB: where do i start...  
EB: okay. so karkat and i were watching movies, being buddies and all, or at least i think we were being buddies, but sometimes it is hard to tell with karkat, you know?  
EB: although nowadays i tend to find his weird insults more funny than hurtful, so i think maybe he only says that stuff because it is just the only way he knows how to talk!  
TT: You are meandering so far off course that you may as well have a lovely picnic in the woods, John.  
EB: oh! sorry. anyway, we got to this totally awesome part in stone cold  
TT: John, you know as well as I do that there are no awesome parts in Stone Cold.  
EB: rose i am trying to share my problems here.  
TT: Yes, sorry. Continue.  
EB: anyway, things had been going great up until then. i watched a shitty romance movie and then i persuaded him to watch one of my movies because i am very persuasive.  
EB: don't say whatever you're about to say, because i am, rose. i'm the most persuasive. it's me.  
TT: I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about, John. I am just being a patient and supportive friend.  
EB: yeah right. i can sense your sarcastic comments from here, struggling to surface.  
EB: anyway  
EB: he was kinda quiet during stone cold, so i started talking a little more to put him at ease, you know?  
TT: I'm sure that went swimmingly.  
EB: yeah, well. he only told me to shut my feeding trap once. so there.  
EB: whenever i looked over at him, he was looking really absorbed by the movie, but i don't think he was really watching it that attentively.  
TT: I am holding a dainty hand to my mouth in true and genuine surprise.  
EB: okay here is where the weird part comes in.  
EB: i kept catching him glaring at me from the corner of my eye.  
EB: normally that's just typical karkat behavior, so i guess i wasn't too worried about it?  
EB: but then he said my name and i turned to face him and  
EB: i dunno  
EB: he had this really weird look on his face  
EB: it was definitely still a glare, but i mean. he looked kind of scared, or nervous.  
EB: so i was going to ask him what was wrong, but then...  
EB: uh.  
TT: ...Yes?  
EB: he, um.  
EB: gosh, this is really awkward! maybe i should have just not said anything. i don't know if i want to talk about it anymore.  
TT: Well that's just not fair, John.  
TT: You know very well that even if you don't tell me the end to this little story, I will inevitably find out what happened.   
EB: what?  
EB: how?  
TT: I have my ways.  
EB: okay, well, that's kind of unsettling, so i guess i'll tell you, but you have to promise not to laugh, okay? this is really embarrassing, and it just stays between you and me. okay rose?  
TT: John, please just get to the point.  
TT: If I wanted to torture myself with incomprehensible stories, I'd watch a troll movie.  
EB: haha!  
EB: that was pretty funny!  
TT: I know. I'm hilarious.  
EB: okay, fine. i will tell you the end of the story, because you made me laugh just now.  
EB: where was i?  
EB: oh yeah, karkat was looking at me weird.  
EB: his face was all scrunched up like a worried kitten's, and he had this little crease in his forehead that was actually kind of strangely cute, also like a kitten, I guess?  
EB: and i didn't really notice it because i was too busy thinking about how kitten-like karkat is, but he had gotten pretty close  
EB: and then, he, uh.  
EB: he.  
TT: John for goodness’ sake. Don't make me extract this information from you by force.  
EB: fine!  
EB: he kissed me, okay?!  
EB: he leaned in, and he pressed the shakiest kiss ever to my mouth, and it was really weird!  
TT: Wow.  
EB: yeah!  
EB: so i just kind of jumped back, obviously, and maybe freaked out a little, because seriously, what the fuck?  
EB: and he just yelled something about how he should have known better than to trust me and stormed out.  
EB: and now i am really worried because he won't answer me on pesterchum and he wouldn't open his door when i knocked!  
EB: i think i made him mad.  
EB: i mean, i am always making him “mad.”  
EB: but I think this time he is really mad. :(  
TT: well, why do you think he's mad?  
EB: i don't know! because i freaked out when he kissed me, i guess?  
EB: i just did not expect that, you know? how was i supposed to react? best buddies do not kiss!  
EB: let alone best buddies that are both guys!  
EB: i mean. not that i have anything against homosexuality.  
EB: sorry rose.  
TT: I'll overlook your stunning lack of tact this time.  
TT: John, have you considered that Karkat might have feelings for you?  
EB: well that would explain the kissing!  
EB: but that isn't the problem. i just want to know how to get him to talk to me again so we can work this out and go back to the way we were before.  
EB: i mean, i was hoping you could give me advice on how to let him down gently.  
TT: So you don't have feelings for Karkat?  
EB: rose, i am not a homosexual! i can't have feelings for karkat!  
TT: Really? I didn't know that was how feelings functioned. Pardon my ignorance.  
EB: this is not the time for your sarcasm. i am in crisis here!  
EB: my best friendleader won't talk to me and things are screwed up, possibly forever.  
TT: I doubt they're screwed up forever. For whatever reason, you and Karkat are drawn together like two very quirky magnets.  
TT: Give him some time, and keep trying to contact him. And apologize.  
EB: what? why?  
TT: Karkat isn't really the type to go around boldly making affectionate gestures like kissing, John. It probably took a lot of courage to do what he did, and it probably really hurt when you reacted that way.  
EB: yeah, i know...  
EB: i guess i feel bad for freaking out, but i mean, it was just so sudden! one minute we're eating popcorn and enjoying an underrated gem of a movie, and the next minute we're kissing?  
TT: Did you say "we're"?  
EB: uh.  
EB: nope.  
EB: i mistyped.  
TT: John, did you or did you not kiss Karkat Vantas back?  
EB: maybe a little, okay?!  
EB: how else are you supposed to react when someone kisses you?  
EB: but as soon as i realized what was happening i pulled back, i swear.  
EB: it was like, not even a thing, rose.  
EB: it was so little of a thing that scientists debate its existence because they can’t see it on their microscopes.  
TT: So what you're saying is that Karkat kissed you, you returned the kiss, and then you suddenly pulled away and started ranting about not being a homosexual?  
EB: well, i didn't say it like that!  
TT: No wonder he was mad. You can be remarkably insensitive, John.  
EB: this isn't very helpful. :(  
TT: Sigh... okay. Now that my temples are suitably kneaded by my long-suffering hands, I am going to ask you a question.  
TT: How did you feel when he kissed you? And I don't mean afterward. I mean, what was your immediate feeling?  
EB: what kind of question is that? i felt weird!  
EB: it felt really uncomfortable and warm and kinda...  
EB: floaty i guess?  
EB: like, it felt like doing the windy thing.  
EB: but inside my chest.  
TT: I don't know whether to call that summation endearing or pathetic.  
EB: hey!  
TT: Did you dislike the kiss?  
EB: that doesn't really matter, since i'm not gay.  
TT: Disregard your sexuality for a moment, John. Did you enjoy it when Karkat kissed you?  
EB: i  
EB: that's  
EB: i didn't even  
EB: maybe?  
EB: i mean, he was making a precious little scrunchy face and he just looked so cute and  
EB: i don't know!  
TT: Cute?  
EB: well, yeah! karkat is cute. there is no escaping that fact. he is cute in the same way a grumpy cat that has just had a bath is cute. and when his face was really close i guess i noticed things about it i hadn't before? like, did you know his eyes have like this faded red ring around the pupil, like they're two different colors? they are pretty neat! or, did you know that he kind of twitches his mouth when he's really nervous?  
TT: Sounds like you paid pretty close attention.  
EB: it was hard not to when he was that close!  
TT: Were you pretty close together during the entire evening?  
EB: yeah! but that's no problem for us. we are buddies. we don't mind sitting together so we can share a bowl of popcorn. karkat hasn't been weird about being close since a long time ago. he has gotten pretty comfortable around me!  
EB: and i don't mind being close to him either. he is my best troll buddy! plus he always smells really good. and he doesn't even elbow me when i use him as a pillow anymore.  
TT: That sounds pretty affectionate for just best friends.  
TT: Do you think you could have been giving Karkat the wrong idea?  
EB: what? no!  
TT: Or perhaps it's you who's had the wrong idea. Maybe Karkat has been dropping hints, and you've been flirting with him the whole time and didn't even realize it. You are pretty oblivious, so I wouldn't put it past you.  
EB: no! it's just fun to poke him and sit on him and stuff because he always gets mad. but not like, really mad. mad in a cute way. he flails his arms around and gets all pink in the face and sputters really funny things. hehe, one time i told him it was cute and he got even madder.  
TT: ...John, you are just remarkably dense.  
EB: hey! :(  
TT: I think you should just give this a lot of thought.  
EB: give what a lot of thought?  
TT: Whether or not you are really opposed to the idea of having feelings for Karkat. And don't think of it in terms of sexuality, here. Just consider your own feelings.  
EB: uh, okay.  
TT: You don't have to talk to me about it if you are more comfortable thinking about it privately. Just give it some thought, and keep trying with Karkat. I'm sure he'll come around. Maybe even you will.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 20:44 --

EB: what does that mean?  
EB: rose?  
EB: :(

\--FRIDAY--

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 19:57 --

CG: KANAYA.  
GA: Oh Hello Karkat  
GA: We Have Not Spoken For A Few Days  
CG: YEAH WELL, I WAS A LITTLE BUSY BEING ASHAMED OF MYSELF.  
CG: I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
CG: I FUCKED UP BIG TIME.   
GA: This Sounds Very Familiar  
CG: YEAH, WELL, I JUST TEND TO FUCK UP WHATEVER I TOUCH. I LEAVE DISASTER IN MY WAKE LIKE A FUCKING CYCLONE OF SHAME AND STUPIDITY. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.  
GA: That Was Not What I Meant  
GA: I Meant That You Always Think You Have Made A Mistake Regardless Of Whether Or Not A Mistake Actually Occurred  
CG: WELL, ONE FUCKING OCCURRED ALL RIGHT.  
CG: ALTHOUGH COME TO THINK OF IT, I FUCKED UP BECAUSE OF YOUR ADVICE, SO MAYBE I SHOULD BE BLAMING YOU?  
CG: SHIT, WHO AM I KIDDING, THAT’S RIDICULOUS. IT WAS ME. IT’S ALWAYS ME.  
GA: Karkat I Think I Would Benefit From Knowing What It Is You Are Talking About  
CG: WELL, SOMETHING HAPPENED. ON MOVIE NIGHT.  
CG: THINGS WERE GOING PRETTY WELL, SAVE FOR THE FACT THAT EGBERT PICKED SOME LAMEASS ACTION MOVIE TO FOLLOW UP A FUCKING MASTERPIECE LIKE SERENDIPITY. I COULD BARELY STAND TO LOOK AT THAT REVILING GARBAGE. BUT JOHN LOOKED AT IT LIKE IT WAS THE MOST FUCKING BEAUTIFUL THING HE’D EVER SEEN. WHAT A MORON.  
GA: I Hope You Will Be Approaching The Point Soon  
CG: YES, I FUCKING WILL. HOLD YOUR FUCKING HOOFBEASTS. ANYWAY, HE WAS LYING OBNOXIOUSLY CLOSE TO ME. WE WERE SHARING A BLANKET AND A BOWL OF POPCORN. HIS HAND KEPT KNOCKING INTO MINE. I WAS KIND OF PICKING UP A VIBE, YOU KNOW?  
CG: SO I DECIDED TO STOP BEING A MEEK LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT AND JUST  
CG: GO FOR IT.   
GA: What Do You Mean Go For It  
CG: I KISSED JOHN FUCKING EGBERT, THAT’S WHAT I MEAN.  
GA: Karkat That Is Wonderful News  
CG: NO IT ISN’T. IT IS ABYSMAL NEWS. IT IS THE WORST NEWS THAT HAS EVER BEEN REPORTED EVER. THEY ARE WRITING AN ANTI-GOSPEL, THIS IS SUCH NON-GOOD NEWS.  
GA: Why  
CG: BECAUSE HE PUSHED ME AWAY AND THEN STARTED GOING ON ABOUT HOW “I CAN’T DO THAT WITH YOU, KARKAT” AND “I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU FELT THAT WAY ABOUT ME” AND “WE ARE BOTH BOYS.” LIKE THAT’S EVEN A FUCKING FACTOR.  
GA: Karkat I Am So Sorry He Objected  
CG: HE DIDN’T FUCKING SEEM TO OBJECT AT FIRST.  
CG: IN FACT, I’M 99% FUCKING SURE THE LITTLE BUCKTOOTHED SHIT KISSED ME BACK FOR A SECOND THERE!  
CG: BUT THEN HE’S PUSHING ME BACK AND WHEN HE STOPS BABBLING AND LOOKING SCARED, LIKE I’M GOING TO ATTACK HIM OR SOMETHING, HE LAYS HIS HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS, LIKE THE MOST SUPPORTIVE FUCKING PLATONIC FRIEND, AND SAYS “YOU MUST BE REALLY TIRED. WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A NAP HERE?”  
CG: AND I JUST  
CG: I COULDN’T FUCKING TAKE IT.  
CG: HE WAS LOOKING AT ME LIKE I WAS AN INJURED HOPBEAST AND HE JUST WANTED TO STROKE MY HEAD OR SOME SHIT.  
CG: LIKE HE PITIED ME.  
CG: AND NOT IN THE WAY I WANT HIM TO PITY ME.  
GA: Karkat  
GA: I Am So Very Sorry  
CG: DON’T FUCKING APOLOGIZE.  
CG: IT’S MY GOGDAMNED FAULT FOR MAKING ADVANCES ON A STUPID HUMAN. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I EVEN THINKING? NOT SINCE TEREZI ATE A BAR OF SOAP HAS THERE BEEN SUCH A TREMENDOUS LAPSE IN JUDGMENT ON THIS MISERABLE METEOR.  
GA: In Her Defense It Was Red Which She Says Is Her Favorite Flavor  
CG: NOT THE FUCKING POINT.  
CG: THE POINT IS, MY LIFE IS FUCKING OVER.  
CG: I CAN NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM AGAIN, OR I’LL INEVITABLY RUN INTO THAT UNBEARABLE IDIOT AND PROMPTLY FIND THE NEAREST SET OF STAIRS TO THROW MYSELF DOWN IN SHAME.  
CG: I’LL JUST HAVE TO STAY IN HERE UNTIL I DIE OF STARVATION OR AN IMPOSSIBLY FULL BLADDER.  
GA: Karkat Please Do Not Say That  
GA: What Happened After John Rebuffed Your Advances  
CG: I FUCKING LEFT.  
CG: YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO SIT AROUND AND BE PLATONICALLY PITIED BY SOME NIMROD WHO CAN’T EVEN APPRECIATE WHAT IT MEANS TO PITY SOMEONE?  
CG: FAT FUCKING CHANCE. I ABSCONDED THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK.   
GA: Karkat That Is A Bit Dramatic  
GA: Perhaps John Just Needs A Bit Of Time To Ruminate On This Occurrence And Devise A Way To Respond To Your Feelings  
CG: WELL IT’S NOT LIKE I ACTUALLY SAID THERE WERE ANY FEELINGS.  
CG: TO HIM, I MEAN.  
CG: KNOWING EGBERT, HE PROBABLY THINKS I KISSED HIM BECAUSE I WANTED THE POPCORN IN HIS MOUTH. HE’S THAT CLUELESS.  
CG: SO WHY WOULD HE BE THINKING ABOUT IT?  
CG: HE’S PROBABLY GLAD HE NEVER HAS TO SEE MY UNSIGHTLY FUCKING FACE AGAIN. HE AND STRIDER ARE PROBABLY THROWING A PARTY. TEREZI WILL BE THERE PUTTING UP ALL THE DECORATIONS SIDEWAYS.  
GA: Karkat I Think You Need To Clarify Your Intentions Towards John  
GA: Otherwise How Is He To Properly Reciprocate Your Feelings  
CG: THEY WON’T BE RECIPROCATED.  
CG: I JUST CHECKED A MAGIC 8 BALL. IT TOLD ME TO GO DROWN MYSELF IN MY OWN MUTANT PANSY-ASS TEARS.  
GA: You Do Not Know That With Certainty  
GA: If You Really Care About John I Do Not Think You Should Give Up On Him  
CG: …YEAH, I KNOW THAT. OF COURSE I CAN’T FUCKING GIVE UP. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW. MY FEELINGS FOR JOHN EGBERT ARE LIKE A DISEASE THAT EATS UP ALL MY INTERNAL ORGANS AND MAKES ME SHIT OUT MY COMMON SENSE AND DIGNITY IN FAVOR OF BECOMING A PATHETIC WRIGGLING PUDDLE OF WET HUMILIATION.  
GA: That Started Out As Sweet But Ended Up Being Revolting  
CG: JUST LIKE ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS.  
GA: Karkat   
CG: WHAT.  
GA: Please Talk To John  
CG: WHY? SO HE CAN BE COMFORTING AND IRRITATINGLY FRIENDLY AND ACCEPTING OF MY “ALIEN QUIRKS”?  
CG: I DON’T THINK I CAN TAKE THAT. I WOULD RATHER CHOKE MYSELF TO DEATH WITH MY LINGUAL MUSCLE THAN LISTEN TO JOHN EGBERT TELL ME THAT IT IS “OKAY TO BE GAY.”  
GA: No  
GA: So You Can At Least Repair Your Friendship  
GA: Neither Of You Deserves To Let A Small Misunderstanding Sour Your Future Interactions With One Another  
CG: SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING?  
CG: THANKS A FUCKING LOT, MOIRAIL.  
CG: I SURE AM COMFORTED BY THESE THINGS YOU ARE SAYING TO ME.  
GA: This Is Not The End Of The World Karkat  
GA: And You Should Know What The End Of The World Feels Like  
GA: So Stop Rolling Around In Shame And Singing Angsty Songs In Your Ablution Trap Like I Know You Did  
CG: FUCK YOU, I DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE.  
CG: …FOR LONGER THAN A FEW MINUTES.  
GA: Face Your Feelings And Have The Courage To Hear Out Johns  
GA: I Know You Are Capable Of Doing So  
CG: DAMN YOUR FUCKING ENCOURAGING WORDS, KANAYA.  
CG: YOU’RE MAKING IT DIFFICULT FOR ME TO WALLOW.  
GA: Mission Accomplished  
CG: I CAN’T DECIDE WHETHER YOU’RE A GREAT MOIRAIL OR A REALLY CRUEL ONE TO KEEP GIVING ME ALL THIS ADVICE.  
GA: It Is Obviously The Former  
CG: YEAH I KNOW.  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: AGAIN.  
CG: I’M GLAD I CAN RELY ON YOU TO KICK MY ASS WHEN I START BEING EVEN MORE OF A DISAPPOINTMENT THAN USUAL.  
CG: I’M GOING TO TALK TO JOHN.  
CG: HE’S BEEN PESTERING ME ALMOST NONSTOP SINCE THREE DAYS AGO. HE’S ACTUALLY PESTERING ME NOW, IN FACT.   
GA: Good Luck Karkat  
CG: YEAH, THANKS.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:11 --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:46 --

EB: karkat?  
EB: i know you’re not going to respond, so i am just going to say my piece, okay?  
EB: when you kissed me, it really kind of caught me off guard!  
EB: i really was not expecting anything like that from you.  
EB: i mean, you spent most of movie night calling me an uncultured bulgesniffer, whatever that is.  
EB: so it just seemed kind of strange that you would want to kiss me?  
EB: anyway, i  
EB: i wanted to talk to you about it because i have been talking to rose and she has been telling me to examine my feelings or whatever?  
EB: and i actually didn’t really have that much of a problem with you kissing me, maybe.  
EB: I think i was pretty much startled.  
EB: but i probably seemed like i was grossed out, didn’t i?  
EB: that probably made you feel really awkward!  
EB: anyway, i wasn’t grossed out.  
EB: i didn’t think it was gross at all!  
EB: actually, i might have even  
EB: uh  
CG: JOHN?  
EB: karkat!  
EB: i… wasn’t expecting you!  
CG: YEAH, I’VE BEEN PRETTY FUCKING SCARCE LATELY, HAVEN’T I.  
EB: hahaha, yeah! you sure have!  
CG: ANYWAY, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING? YOU MIGHT HAVE WHAT?  
EB: haha, um, gee, you know, i don’t think i remember what i was going to say?  
EB: yeah. i forgot. that is the truth. haha…   
CG: INCREDIBLE. YOUR TINY THINKPAN FAILS TO HOLD ON TO YOUR THOUGHTS FOR LONGER THAN A FEW SECONDS. HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO FUNCTION ON A RECALL MEMORY LIKE THAT? THE MIND BOGGLES. AND BY “THE MIND,” I MEAN MINE, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOURS IS CAPABLE OF BOGGLING.  
EB: see, when you say stuff like that, it makes it really hard to understand why you, um, kissed me.  
CG: …  
EB: sorry, i don’t want to make you feel awkward! gosh, that was probably really rude of me.  
CG: NO, GOG, SHUT UP, JOHN.  
CG: I’M THE RUDE ONE.  
CG: I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING MEANINGFUL TO SAY, SO I FELL BACK ON THE OLD STANDARD OF MOCKING YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN INTELLIGENCE. I’M SORRY.  
EB: thanks! i think?  
CG: ANYWAY, I.  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: I GUESS WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THAT.  
CG: THE THING THAT HAPPENED, I MEAN.  
EB: uh, right.  
EB: can i ask you a question, karkat?  
CG: YOU JUST DID, FUCKASS.  
EB: karkat!  
CG: FINE, FINE, SORRY. JEGUS. WHAT?  
EB: i guess i just wanted to know…  
EB: why you kissed me then.  
EB: i mean, not why you kissed me at all! But like… why then? At that time?  
CG: FUCKING SHIT, THIS IS AWKWARD.  
CG: OBVIOUSLY, IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR STRANGE SUDDEN FLUSHED ADVANCES ON ME. I WAS A LITTLE HESITANT TO INITIATE ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T ACTING ANY DIFFERENT, BUT THE MOMENT FELT RIGHT AND THE ATMOSPHERE WAS GOOD AND I WAS UNDER THE INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS IMPRESSION THAT IT WAS THE NATURAL COURSE OF ACTION UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES. EVIDENTLY EITHER YOU OR I HAVE SO BADLY FAILED IN UNDERSTANDING HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK THAT WE ARE THE REASON SOMEONE IS WRITING A BOOK CALLED “FLIRTING FOR FUCKWITS.”  
EB: whoa, wait.  
EB: back up.  
EB: flushed advances?  
CG: YES, NOOKWHIFF.  
CG: THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL IT WHEN YOU MAKE BLATANT REDROM SOLICITATIONS.  
EB: i honestly have no idea what you are talking about.  
CG: HOLY FUCK, EGBERT.  
CG: WELL, MY SELF-RESPECT HAS ALREADY WITHERED INTO A BRITTLE, SHRUNKEN MASS, SO I SUPPOSE I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BY SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOU.  
CG: I AM REFERRING TO OUR LAST CONVERSATION BEFORE THAT DISASTROUS MOVIE NIGHT.  
EB: the one where you were freaking out and ranting about how much you hate yourself?   
CG: WELL, YES, BUT ALSO THE ONE BEFORE THAT.  
EB: the one where i asked you to do movie night with me?  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOG, JOHN. WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME LIKE THIS. DO YOU GET OFF ON MY DEGREDATION?  
EB: ew.  
CG: FUCKING FINE.  
CG: IF YOUR HUMAN THINKPAN IS TOO FRAGILE TO RECALL YOUR LASCIVIOUS FLIRTING, I WILL TAKE ON THE BURDEN OF RECALLING IT FOR THE BOTH OF US.  
CG: HERE IT IS IN ALL ITS MORTIFYING GLORY.  
CG: YOU BETTER THANK ME FOR THIS.  
\--carcinoGeneticist [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file THISISSTUPID.txt--  
EB: why’s it called that?  
CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE IN IT IS WHY.  
CG: NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND READ.  
EB: okay okay, geez!  
EB: …  
CG: REMEMBER NOW, ASSHOLE?  
EB: karkat, i don’t know what to tell you except  
EB: i did not write that!  
CG: …I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM READING.  
CG: I MEAN, ALL RIGHT, I KNEW YOU COULD BE CRUEL SOMETIMES. YOUR SO-CALLED “PRANKS” HAVE DEMONSTRATED THIS. BUT TO DENY THAT THIS HAPPENED? THAT IS REALLY LOW, JOHN. YOU ARE EVEN MORE OF A JERK THAN I AM, AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.  
EB: karkat, no! i am not denying anything! someone definitely wrote this. i am just saying that whoever did was not me! they must have used my computer when i got up to go to the bathroom or something i guess.  
CG: WOW. YOU REALLY ARE UNBELIEVABLE. I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET MYSELF GET SO WORKED UP ABOUT YOU.   
EB: worked up?  
CG: YES. FUCKING WORKED UP.  
CG: IN CASE IT ESCAPED YOUR INCREDIBLE HUMAN WATCHFULNESS, YOU HEARTLESS PIECE OF SHIT, I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.  
CG: BRIGHT FUCKING RED ONES.  
EB: wow, what?!  
CG: MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE AS RED AS THE DISGUSTING MUTANT SLUDGE THAT FLOWS THROUGH MY VEINS.  
CG: PITY DOES NOT ENCOMPASS WHAT I FUCKING FEEL. I LOVE YOU, OKAY?  
EB: whoa, you love me?!  
CG: OR SHOULD I SAY, I *DID.*  
EB: karkat, hold on a minute!  
EB: i mean, wow, that is sure some heavy stuff, and i think we should talk about it!   
CG: I AM DONE WITH YOU.  
CG: YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT STOMP ON MY FEELINGS, MISGUIDED AND RIDICULOUS AS THEY WERE, SINCE WE BECAME “FRIENDS.”   
EB: that’s not true! i am pretty nice to you most of the time, except when you are being a jerk!  
EB: which is admittedly a lot of the time, but i hang around you anyway!  
CG: YES, PERFECT, EGBERT, TELL ME THAT YOUR HANGING AROUND ME WAS A FUCKING CHARITY CASE. “OH, POOR KARKAT, NOBODY CAN FUCKING STAND HIM. MAYBE IF I BOTHER HIM LONG ENOUGH, HE’LL LET DOWN HIS GUARD AND GET ATTACHED TO ME BEFORE I SLAP HIM RIGHT IN HIS UGLY FACE.”  
CG: I BET YOU’RE HAPPY YOUR PLAN WORKED, AREN’T YOU?  
EB: wow! okay, i did not think any of those things, and you are actually being really mean!  
EB: first of all, i hang out with you because i like you!   
CG: YEAH RIGHT.  
EB: i do!  
EB: you’re really funny, and the way you talk always makes me laugh even if you’re insulting me because, i dunno, you’re just really creative with your words, i guess?  
EB: and i know you don’t like to show it, but you are a really good friend.  
EB: that’s probably actually my favorite thing about you, when you’re not being a gigantic dick!  
EB: you yell a lot and call everyone names but in the end i know you really care about everyone, even me. and, i don’t know. maybe i wanted to see if i could get you to not hide it so much.  
EB: maybe i wanted to be someone you could trust enough to smile around.  
CG: I DID TRUST YOU, YOU SUPREME DOUCHELORD.  
EB: i know!  
EB: and do you know how happy that made me?  
EB: karkat, all i have ever wanted was to be close to you.  
EB: i… i don’t even know why! i just wanted to be around you, and watch movies together, and make you laugh and smile, because you have a really good smile.   
CG: FUCK YOU, NO I DON’T.  
EB: you do!  
EB: your mouth tilts up on one side and your little fang pokes out and it’s kind of cute.  
CG: YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING CALL ME CUTE.  
EB: get over it, karkat. you are fucking adorable as shit.  
CG: ON WHAT PLANET IS SHIT ADORABLE?  
EB: karkat, you just make me feel like i can be myself no matter what, because no matter what i do you’ll still call me a fuckass and it won’t matter because i’ll know you don’t mean it.   
CG: WRONG. I REALLY DO FUCKING MEAN IT NOW.  
EB: karkat, please!  
EB: i don’t know how this happened, but i really want to make things right! can’t you cooperate with me a little?  
CG: JOHN. SINCE WHEN HAVE I EVER SUCCESSFULLY COOPERATED WITH ANYONE?  
EB: don’t give me that! you’re a great leader because you are always thinking about what will be best for everyone!  
EB: so can you please think about what will be best for both of us right now and listen to me?  
CG: FUCKING TROLL HELL.  
CG: FINE.  
CG: SAY YOUR GOGDAMNED PIECE.  
EB: thank you.  
EB: …uh.  
EB: anyway.  
EB: what was i saying?  
CG: THIS IS A REALLY ENLIGHTENING POINT OF VIEW. I’M SO GLAD I DECIDED TO HEAR YOU OUT.  
EB: i’m going to ignore that bit of sarcasm and continue trying to work this out.  
EB: so, the conversation we had before movie night, you were freaking out because you thought i wanted to be your boyfriend?  
CG: WELL IT SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING STUPID IF YOU SAY IT IN YOUR DUMB HUMAN TERMS, BUT YES. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE “BOYFRIENDS.”  
EB: haha, wow. everything makes a whole lot more sense now.  
EB: karkat, i am so sorry.  
EB: i never would have implied something like that all of a sudden!  
EB: although i have to say, the fact that you were getting so nervous and thanking me for giving you a chance is really cute now, hehe.  
CG: FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS, EGBERT.  
EB: so during movie night, you thought i wanted you to act like we were…um…lovers?  
CG: ASLKFJ;  
CG: COULD YOUR WORDING BE ANY MORE EMBARRASSING.  
CG: FUCKING YES, OKAY.  
CG: THAT WAS MY PATHETIC AND ERRONEOUS CONCLUSION.  
CG: I AM SO DREADFULLY SORRY I OFFENDED YOUR ALL-ENCOMPASSING “NOT A HOMOSEXUAL” SENSIBILITIES BY PUTTING MY DISGUSTING MOUTH ON YOUR MOUTH. IT WAS A STUPID THING TO DO AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD WANT IT.   
EB: i’m not.  
CG: NOT WHAT, YOU BULGEBITING ASS.  
EB: i’m not sorry you kissed me, karkat.  
CG: WHAT?  
EB: i  
EB: i wasn’t offended at all, okay? i freaked out because i was not expecting it, but i could never be disgusted with you!  
EB: you are my best friend.  
EB: i was not grossed out by you kissing me.  
EB: and  
EB: the more i thought about it, the more i thought that maybe  
EB: i sort of liked it, even?  
EB: it made me feel really warm and kind of light and my heart was beating really fast and i kind of just wanted to curl up inside that feeling and take a nap.  
EB: is that normally how a kiss feels?  
CG: THAT’S THE WEIRDEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER READ.  
EB: well, i don’t know! i have never been kissed before!  
CG: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.  
EB: nope. you totally stole my first kiss, dude.  
CG: FUCK.  
EB: anyway, i  
EB: i’m pretty sure it felt good?  
EB: so  
EB: maybe sometime we could try it again?  
CG: WHAT?  
EB: i have been thinking about you a lot, and  
EB: i think i may have some feelings towards you that aren’t strictly buddy-type feelings.  
EB: feelings like i want to be around you all the time and hold your hand and pet your hair and boop your cute little nose.  
CG: I AM NOT EVEN FUCKING GOING TO ASK WHAT THAT MEANS.  
EB: and like, i want to bring you soup when you’re sick and hug you when you’re sad and tell you you’re great when you start talking about how much you hate yourself.  
CG: YOU MEAN ALL THE FUCKING TIME?  
EB: well, yeah!  
EB: pretty much.  
CG: SO… WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  
EB: karkat, i’m pretty sure i like you.  
EB: like, in a gay way.  
CG: BUT I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T A HOMOSEXUAL?  
EB: i’m not!  
EB: at least, i don’t think i am…  
EB: i still think liv tyler is hot. but i also want to kiss you again.  
EB: it’s really weird for me to think about kissing another boy, but…  
EB: maybe it’s different because you’re an alien?  
CG: WOW, I CAN’T FUCKING DECIDE IF THAT’S OFFENSIVE OR NOT.  
EB: karkat, i really, really like you.  
CG: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.  
CG: HOW CAN I TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY AFTER  
CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU CAN  
EB: <3  
CG: GOGDAMN IT FINE I BELIEVE YOU.  
CG: <3  
EB: hehe.   
CG: WHAT’S FUNNY?  
EB: nothing! i am just happy that you’re my boyfriend.  
CG: WOW, I DON’T REMEMBER AGREEING TO THAT.  
EB: aw, what? come on! i even gave you a romantic confession!  
CG: JOHN, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. IT WAS MANY THINGS, BUT ROMANTIC WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS.  
EB: :(  
CG: DON’T YOU MAKE THAT IRRITATING FROWNY FACE AT ME.  
CG: I’M NOT FINISHED TALKING YET.  
CG: YOU REALLY SUCK AT FEELINGS, DON’T YOU, JOHN?  
CG: ALMOST AS MUCH AS I DO.  
CG: BUT YOU FUMBLE AROUND IN YOUR AWKWARD, GOOD-NATURED IDIOCY ANYWAY.  
CG: MAYBE THAT’S WHY I LIKE YOU SO MUCH.  
EB: wow, thanks, i guess?  
CG: HEY, JOHN.  
EB: what?  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO. I DON’T KNOW. COME KISS YOUR BOYFRIEND OR SOME STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT?  
EB: huh? my--  
EB: oh!  
EB: ohh!  
EB: okay!! :B  
EB: i will be there in a minute!  
CG: YEAH, YOU’D BETTER.   
EB: <3  
CG: <3

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 22:31 --

\--MONDAY--

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:26 --

TG: john are you there  
EB: oh! hi dave!  
EB: karkat says hi too.  
EB: well actually he just gave double middle fingers to the screen but that’s a pretty standard greeting for him, hehe.  
TG: so youre still hanging out with him huh  
EB: yeah!  
EB: he is my boyfriend, dave. we hang out a lot.  
TG: im not so sure if i approve though  
TG: i might have to double check that hes good enough for my little princess  
EB: haha, you are so weird.  
TG: hey im not the one with the grumpiest fucking matespirit or whatever this side of paradox space  
EB: hehe, point taken.  
EB: wait…  
EB: matespirit?  
EB: where have i seen that misspelling before?...  
TG: uh  
TG: i dont know what youre talking about  
EB: dave.  
EB: i am asking you this very firmly and patiently.  
EB: did you pretend you were me and flirt with karkat before movie night?  
TG: uh  
TG: nope  
TG: definitely dont recall making vantas think you liked him  
EB: i didn’t even say anything about that!  
EB: dave!  
EB: it was you!  
TG: it was tz’s idea  
TG: she dared me man  
TG: what was i gonna do  
TG say no like a pussy  
TG: nope  
TG: that would have been decidedly un striderlike   
EB: i don’t care whose idea it was! that caused us a lot of trouble, you know!  
TG: i am overcome with chagrin  
TG: i am drowning in all this chagrin  
TG: all fucking shuffling my feet and looking at the ground like the most chagrinned kid with his hand in the cookie jar  
EB: dave this is not the time for one of your extended metaphors.  
EB: and i swear to god if you start rapping about this i can’t be held responsible for karkat’s actions. i will turn a blind eye.  
TG: oh a rap about that  
TG: good idea dude  
TG: ill work on it  
TG: give my kisses to your grumpy asshole boyfriend  
TG: talk to you later man

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:42 --

EB: dave i swear if you write a fucking rap about this I will  
EB: dave???  
EB: STRIIIIIIIIDERRRRRRRR!!!!


End file.
